Refections

As a father who insists that his Son write a blog post everyday (where are they Nat) I've been very remiss witrh mine since before Xmas. I've been writing notes in Word but I haven't been as consistant as I was last year and this must stop. I discovered I enjoyed writing but I'm risking ending up like my dad who discovered he liked reading only to stop before the habit developed and ended up going back to the way he was before. The problem is that I have so little to write about as I do virtually nothing. I'm either at work or during my four days off at home on the PC drinking beer. I rearly ever seem to leave the house these days. In part that's due to a lack of funds and in part habit. As the problems with my hips developed, this was before I knew there was a problem, the pain gradually made more and more immobile. Coupled with this is the fact that I have no friends to do anything with. I'm not as sad as that sounds it's just that we've lost contact with many of the people we used to know and I've not really replaced these with new people. Again lack of funds, lack of mobility and the strange, but deeply held belief, that noone would want to be my friend anyway (I think this is a reflection of the shit time I had at school when people basically made me feel worthless which in combination with my parents disappointment made me feel that not only was I unlovaable I wasn't even likeable - I still wonder what the hell Deb ever saw in me and these days I imagine, these days, so does she...great I not only feel guilty about wasting my life I also feel guilty about wasting hers...see what I mean about self-esteem). It's probably why I think I'm unconsiously pushing the kids away, get it over with before they do it to me. Hannah obviously hates me and has never ever wanted to do anything with me and as for Nat he's becoming totally involved with his friends and soon will have even less time for me than he has now. Basically he dissappears upstairs with his mates or alone with his X-box and we don't see him again. On the upside it was great when they were little I'm just so pissed off it was partially spoilt by my depression over the loss of Katie and then a few years later the pain caused by my bad hips made me short tempered and angry all the time. Yeah I know I let them down and don't deserve their love anyway...self-esteem I have none.