Tuesday 6 April 2010 – General Election 2010 day One - They’re Off – and I don’t mean my Pants!

Well it’s finally official the General Election is to be held on 6 May. That’s the day after I have my hip transplant so I’d best arranged for a postal vote a.s.a.p. if I want to be able to have the choice between voting and spoiling my ballot paper. So what should I do, Vote or Spoil?

Reasons to Spoil:

1. I live in a constituency that will return a Tory MP so spoiling my vote will have no effect on the outcome of the ballot.
2. It would be a shame, after all the hype, to miss this Gord sent opportunity to have my say, however small the audience.
3. It would be more fun than voting to write an appropriate comment on my ballot paper; one or more of the following perhaps:

“None of the above”; (succinct and too the point);
“I refuse to participate in this farce” (although of course if I choose this option then I am participating which makes my position somewhat inconsistent);
“I am a Number I am a Three Man” (mobile joke);
“Jack told Jill to take her pill and wash it down with water. Jill forgot, so Jack begot a bouncing baby daughter” (I’d have to write that in tiny letters and it’s not apropos);
“Gordon is a Moron” (which is apropos because he’s likely to get Jilted, aint he John?…Boom Boom);
“I like big butts and I cannot lie” (actually I don’t but it was too good to miss).
“F**k Off You Thieving C**ts” (A reasonable reflection of Public opinion – I would use the asterisks in order to avoid offending an innocent counter);
This is Blaby Leicestershire whoever you vote for the Tory wins.
Where’s the Monster Raving Looney Party when you need it?
 

 

  The Late Great Screaming Lord Sutch

As a Moslem girl I’m exercising my right to vote the way my Father told me to.
As a Moslem woman I’m exercising my right to vote the way my Husband told me to.
Hickory Dickory Dock, fancy a suck on my cock?
To all the Candidates more unites you than divides you; you’re all power hungry Twats!

If you think that last comment displays a degree of cynicism out of all proportion to the situation then in my defence I say the following,

I have a BA in Politics and Philosophy plus an LLB in Law; that alone should be sufficient explanation.
At University I was heavily involved in student politics so I’ve seen and worked with the kind of people who aspire to the life political; in my experience, with a few exceptions who inevitably became Lib Dems, those who do have these aspirations invariably love the people it’s just we awkward individuals that they can’t stand. An additional a trait that they all appear to share is the willingness, nay eagerness, to destroy anyone who gets in the way of their ambitions. When you think of Peter Mandelson what’s the first thing that comes to mind; concerned politician or political hit man and arch manipulator?
I spent two years working in London in a policy unit in a Ministry of State so I’ve seen how the system works from the inside.

Reasons to Vote*:

1. The right to vote was hard fought for by my ancestors and I owe it to them to exercise this right responsibly;
2. If I don’t vote I voluntarily exclude myself from the political process;
3. It is my civic duty to participate in the political process

So if I choose to vote then who to vote for?

Labour
It’s handicapped by the unluckiest man in politics – Gordon Brown

Poor old Gordon, what a time he’s had; since he took office everything that could go wrong has gone wrong! He even managed to get a second helping of Foot and Mouth disease right from the get go! If Tony Blair was the Teflon Kid then sad old Gordo’s Fly Paper Boy; everything sticks to him! Gordon’s a typical example of the type of person I mentioned above, utterly ruthless in his pursuit of the greater good.

The Party’s been in office too long. It’s become jaded, corrupt and has run out of enthusiasm. The transformation to New Labour in the 1990’s eliminated the firebrands and replaced them with a crowd of faceless wannabe Tories. Love him or hate him Dennis Skinner is one of the few real personalities they still have, he’s Labour’s Ann Widdecombe.
The Policies they espouse prior to the vote will bear little reflection to those they will have to pursue if re-elected. The collapse of the banks left us with a crippling National Debt which has to be reduced if we are to survive in the Chinese centric 21st century. Should the hidden time bomb contained within these same institutions commercial property portfolios explore we will really be up Sh*t Creek without a Paddle or even a Canoe!

Conservative
Led by the acceptable face of Harry Enfield’s “Tory Boy” this doyen of Eton, Oxford and The Bullingdon Club (David “Dave” Cameron) was born with a silver spoon up his arse and he and his wife are estimated to have a joint personal fortune worth in excess of £30 Million.

For all his talk of being in touch with the common man, of understanding of the importance of the NHS in people’s lives (his late first born son, Ivan, died in 2009 after seven years of intense NHS involvement in his condition) and his support of State Education he has surrounded himself with a “posse” of Old Etonians the like of which hasn’t been seen since the MacMillan years. Deb thinks he’s all front and that beneath the surface he’s all old school elitist aristocracy. She’s generally a good judge of character.

The Party appears to remain what it’s always been (the guardian of the “Haves” against the “Have-nots”) just clothed in gentler clothing. There seems to be an eager glint in their spokespersons (mans) eyes whenever they talk about having to cut back Government expenditure when they gain power. Just like Labour they lack of any true reformers or firebrands** and if elected, like Labour, they will be forced to pursue the same unappetizing fiscal policies if national bankruptcy is to be avoided.

Liberal Democrats

The Lib Dems are condemned, by our archaic electoral system, to third place, at best, in this election but with the possibility of their holding the balance of power should we have a hung Parliament. The question will become, can Nick Clegg (who)

make something of this opportunity. Certainly with Vince Cable***

at his side he may be able to bring significant influence to bear on the Governing party’s future financial strategies but there’s no guarantee that the Lib Dems have a monopoly on the right answers.

The Others
UKIP – Twats of the first order.
Robert Kilroy Silk (if he stands) – an even bigger twat than the above.
The Greens – Not a snowballs chance in Hell…yet. This may change when climate change really kicks in but by then it’ll probably be too late.
The Various Nationalist – currently featherbedded by English tax payers this could change rapidly whoever wins. Again if there’s a hung Parliament they may be able to punch above their weight and retain their perks but long term?
Independents – Case by case.
All the Others – Generally one issue loonies.

So it seems I have little choice; I’ll spoil my vote, then hope we win the Euro Lottery  at work (20 in the syndicated we need a triple roll-over to make a win worthwhile), buy a boat and head to Somalia to train as a pirate . Could the last person to leave the country please turn out the lights?


*As I’ve said, I live in a rock solid Tory constituency which makes what follows somewhat academic. If we had a system of proportional representation then my vote would count and then the choice between spoiling and voting would be a real choice. First passed the post means that whatever I do will make no difference.
** David Davies may be an exception but only because he lost the leadership race and is probably going to inhabit the back benches for most of DC’s administration.
*** His Shadow Chancellor who seems to be far more respected for his acumen than his Labour and Conservative opposite numbers